Tuesday, December 20, 2011

I Am not my Own

I am officially on Christmas Break! A whole month away from school, I get to be at home with the family and I also get a blessed chance to catch up with friends whom I haven't seen for a few months. I love this restoration and rejuvenation period God blesses us college kids with! :)

Lately, most of my time has been taken up with riding and working Zi (He needs to stay in shape with the month away from school, next semester starts our show season!), working out, hanging with the family and dear friends, working, and spending time in the Word. I love having no time contstraints and able to sit with my Bible and journal and write, pray and read for endless minutes. In addition to this semester closing out... there is the overwhelming and ever present question of "what am I going to do next year?" Blackhawk is a two year program school and next year I am either transferring on to another 4 year university to get my bachelor's degree in animal science (equine emphasis) or going straight to work in the training industry. Needless to say, I have absolutely no idea what next year is going to encompass. But I do know this. I am not my own. My choices are not going to be made based on what I want but on what God has for me.

I've spent a lot of my journaling time and time in prayer reflecting on my life and on the passions God has given me and on what God is doing in my heart. Right now, this is what I know. I am passionate about training horses and teaching people and horses...I love working with horses others don't always understand and I love the complexity and beauty of the discipline of dressage. I love being around people, I love loving people.. I love being there for others and I love doing whatever I can to help others. I love to love! More than anything else, I love Jesus Christ and everything I do reflects Him and the call He has placed on my life. I live to glorify Him. I am not my own.

Currently, I am planning on applying to West Texas A&M and Oklahoma State University for next year and hopefully being apart of their horse judging and equestrian teams. However, I have no idea where I will actually end up. Just as the Israelites laid out their fleece overnight prior to battle to see what God would do; I am laying out my fleece and waiting to see what God reveals. I could end up at another college far from home... yes, being away from home would be so incredibly difficult. However, my infinate fear in life is that I make choices to live comfortably, to do what is easy. I know God calls me to be uncomfortable, to trust Him so completely that I am unafraid to put myself in situations that cause discomfort. Wherever God calls me to next year, I will follow. I long to be a woman who is so lost and consumed with the Lord that I without hesitation go where He leads me.

He has opened doors for me in the horse industry in ways that I never would of imagined... I pray to one day have a ministry where I can work with people and horses and serve the Lord. I want to be used by Him. I have been placed at Blackhawk to be used by Him and to be put in an uncomfortable situation so that He can refine me. There is no part of myself that is my own. All of me is completely and utterly Christ's.

1 Corinthians 6:19-20

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Trust

I know I have been bad at this whole updating thing, which is my fault because I have allowed myself to get way too busy at school. I think everything that God did in my life when I was in San Diego this summer has completely carried over into this school year.

I started this semester with an excitement to see what God would do, I was focused and ready for judging at the two biggest contests of my career the Quarter Horse Congress and the AQHA World show. Looking back.. it makes me so sick to my stomach to think that I doubt God sometimes and His plan. At the beginning of the semester, I once again allowed fear and doubt to creep into my mind and I kept listening to satan's lies of "you aren't good enough; why would you even try?" I tried to do things on my own and I was consumed with the idea of perfection. In my mind, in order to be used I had to be at this amazing perfect place spiritually and I had to have it all together.

I wonder if God finds humor in our human ways of thinking. How could I ever try to be enough for the creator of the universe and pretend like I am capable on my own? How ridiculous is that!? Anyway, at the Congress I completely caved and crumbled... I made everything about me and lost my focus. After that trip to Ohio, God showed up in ways that I still am in awe of. He used my judging coach and his wife to minister to me and speak to my heart in a way that could only be the Holy Spirit. It was as if this curtain was lifted from my eyes and I realized who I am and why I'm here. I am Christ's. I have been living in the shadow of doubt for way too long... now is the time to be and to choose to be who God has called me to be. I don't have to be in a "perfect" place spiritually to be used by Him. The truth is, I don't have it all together and I am absolutely nothing without Christ and that is why I am so content. Because of my Lord:) This semester has been refining my character and brought me to a new intimacy with the Lord that I never knew was possible. I've learned to rely on Him in ways that I've never had to before.

I don't know where I'm going to be next year... I don't know where I'll end up. I don't know how I'll pay for next year. But I trust that God has it planned out and I know He will provide and no matter what I will be more than okay because I am His. I feel like right now I'm really being called by Him to go and try to find a job working for a trainer near the Chicagoland area next year...which is so different from what all my peers are telling me but who am I to doubt God's call for my life? I will give my all and work my butt off in this horse industry and to try and find a trainer to work for and establish a business and allow myself to be used in the horse world because that is the passion God has given me and where He has called me to be. I will not be moved. I am standing on the Rock of Christ and I work, I breathe, I live, I love, my heart beats entirely for serving Him.

I love how God works. I love this constant and beautiful journey of life that constantly brings us closer to His heart.

Colossians 3:23
Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men."