Sweet, Beautiful, Surrender

I apologize for not updating this for so long. To say things have been busy is an understatement.. but I need to update this. I must write about how God has and is working, how He has grown me and changed me and the doors he has opened have been incredible and humbled me.

This past school year has been difficult, heartbreaking, amazing, revealing, and full of new beginnings and moving on from the past. At the start of the year I went to Blackhawk and really struggled with the environment there.. I felt alone like no one else respected or shared my faith and I got lost in being scared and shriveled into a shell of fear. I could not be confident. It showed. I did not improve as much with Zi.. my horse judging seemed to be held back because I couldn't confidently mark a card and more than that I felt stagnant in my relationship with God. I remember calling my parents.. my brother and my closest friends and pouring out feelings of lonliness, frustration and confusion. How could God be asking me to stay somewhere where I was all alone? I wasn't improving with horses.. I felt like a failure and fear had taken over every part of me.

Over Christmas break I thrived being surrounded and fellowshipping with people who shared my passion for the Lord. As break drew to an end I really struggled with not wanting to return to school. I didn't want to go back to that feeling of discouragement and lonliness and the feeling of not being close to my Lord. I wanted what was comfortable and safe. Then it was as if God just woke me up and said "Kayla, listen to me. Trust me. I am with you and that is all that matters." I had been reading through Hebrews and as I read Hebrews 11 a chapter that talks in depth about faith, God spoke to my heart. Hebrews 11:1 Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance in what we do not see. It hit me like a brick that I had only been thinking about me, I needed to walk by faith. God had called me to Blackhawk but not for the reasons I had originally thought.

I returned to school second semester with an entirely new perspective. My circumstances were not changing. However, God has opened my eyes to the fact that I am at Blackhawk to be used by Him, to be a light and to let Him grow and stretch and refine me in ways that I had never imagined possible. He called me to Blackhawk to be different and grow closer to Him. I learned to be alone and to find comfort in that because God is enough. He is my everything and even if I didn't feel it, He is always with me. That changed everything.. because of Him I can let go of my fear and when there is less of me He is able to work in ways that make me in awe of who He is. I choose to walk by faith and when I do my perspective changes. My heart is burdened for those who live their life in sin... I want to plant eternal seeds and live my life for Christ so others can see who He is. This school year I have learned what it means to live in the world but not be of it. I have learned once again how to be fearless and have reached a place of complete surrender. My life is God's. I relenquish control. He is everything to me and has filled up my heart and I have fallen so much more deeply in love with Him. I never want to be stagnant in my relationship with Him.. I always want to want to be wanting to be closer my Lord. That is my prayer and heart especially as I return to school in the fall.

God has opened many doors for me this semester... It has always been my prayer that if the horse industry is where He wants me that it would be affirmed and that He would give me a ministry. I do not want this to become about me. I pray that if it does He would take it away. This summer... God has given me an opportunity that I never expected, my trainer Nichole is going to San Diego, CA to train and work with Steffen Peters one of the most decorated dressage riders right now. At first, I didn't think that I would be able to intern or work with Nichole over the summer like I had originally planned. I had no idea what to do, I was upset.. so thrilled for her opportunity but unsure how my summer would go. I sought after God's plan and committed Jeremiah 29:11 to my heart and waited for what He had in store. A couple weeks after learning of Nichole's plans to go to CA she called me and asked me a question I'll never forget, "do you want to come with me?"

Since then.. God has worked out every detail and plainly showed me that this is what He has in store this summer. I will be going with Nichole to work with and learn from Steffen Peters in San Diego, I leave in two weeks. I am so excited, humbled, scared, nervous, and giddy. Yes, there are doubts and uncertainties that threaten to overtake my mind but God is bigger. I am choosing to walk by faith and pursue the path He has laid before me. There is no room for fear. I want to go and do my best for Him because that is what I am called to do. This is a dream come true and I am so thankful for what He is doing. I just want to go and give my best, this is a chance of a lifetime to learn from one of the most elite riders in the world right now. I know that this is only of God and who am I to allow fear to overtake me? I choose to let go of fear, there is no room for doubt. I no longer want to give in to the "what if I'm not good enough?" because I want to be confident in who I am in Christ and allow Him to give me the strength to pursue this opportunity. If God is for us, who can be against us?

Zi will be staying at home for the five weeks I am gone, hopefully a friend will be riding him for me to keep him in shape. He has improved dramatically.. in some ways he isn't even the same horse I bought a year ago. His muscle pattern has changed and his personality is more pronounced. He is a very emotional horse (typical right brain introvert/extrovert) but is so sensitive and rewarding to work with because when I get it right he tries so hard. Under saddle, he carries himself in a rounded dressage frame and is able to stay light in my hands. Hopefully, there are some big things in store for him :)

These past several months God has grown, matured and stretched me. I have come to a place of surrender... sweet, beautiful surrender that allows for more intimacy with Christ. I am thankful for the hardships and trials of the past months because brokenness brings us to our knees and to a state of surrendrance. I love that. If my trials bring me closer to Christ, then I am thankful for that. I am so excited to see how He continues to grow me in the upcoming months. I am not called to be comfortable.. as Francis Chan would say, we are called to trust God so completely that we are unafraid to put ourselves in situations where we will be in trouble if He doesn't come through. That is the kind of faith I am striving for and will always be seeking.

Jeremiah 29:11

Hebrews 11:1

2 Corinthians 5:7