A heart's desire

I apologize for not keeping this updated the way I was intending before I left. Unfortunetly I didn't have internet access at the place I've been staying in San Diego. Well, after 5 weeks I am sitting in the San Diego airport waiting for my flight back to Chicago. These past weeks have gone by unimaginably quick and the Lord has done work in my life that I didn't expect... and a heart's desire has become even more ignited.

To start, Steffen and Shannon Peters' 60 stall facility is beyond gorgeous.. my kind of heaven on earth :) everything is state of the art yet horse friendly and people friendly. The people who board, train, and work there are genuine and inviting and loving. The goal of the facility is about becoming one day better every session and about making average riders and horses into something that is fantastic. The horses are incredible. The calibur of training and riding is inconvievably great. I spent everyday Mon-Fri waking up at 6am to go to the barn until 4pm .. my trainer had two horses at SP's barn (her up and coming Grand Prix horse and a lower level client's mare) so I would groom, handwalk, tack up, bathe, clip, clean tack ect. I also took care of the horses' feed everyday and supplements. I basically did whatever was needed for Nichole (my trainer) and the people at the barn. I also got to watch Steffen, Shannon and the other three trainers at the facility ride every morning. The first morning I as there I watched Steffen ride Weltino's Magic (his I1 horse) and Ravel. Needless to say it was amazing. I just love how Steffen and Shannon train.. it is so natural and makes so much sense. I think I've learned more about training and dressage in the last 5 weeks than I ever have! I can't wait to start working with Zi on everything I've learned :)

From the very first day I set foot in the barn I was overcome with temptations and desires. Temptations of making everything about me and what I wanted out of this and desires of success and the opportunity to ride, and train with these people. The desire and jealousy of wishing I could afford a fancy, flashy moving horse like other girls my age who rode at Steffen's barn. I felt myself succoming to these thoughts, desires and temptations and then about 2 days after I had gotten to san diego I had a phone conversation with my dear friend Elizabeth and I as telling her all of this and she said "Kayla I have never heard you sound like this. where is the passion? since when do you care about fame, ribbons or money? Why are you limiting God?" I listened absolutely stunned. She was right. God used her to give me a wake up call that I so desperately needed. That night I read John 11:4 When he heard this, Jesus said "this sickness will not end in death. No, it is for God's glory so that God's son may be glorified through it." It suddenly hit me that I had been called to San Diego and SP's barn this summer to only glorify God, work my butt off, give my best every single day even when I didn't feel like it, and love and serve those around me. My prayer going into the trip had been that it wouldn't become about me and I realized how difficult that was truly going to be.

Ever since I was little horses have been the one area of my life where I have been tempted to not put God first. This summer was so much more than just being around horses and learning from the best rider in the dressage industry. It was learning and choosing to keep God first and have my desires wrapped up in serving Him alone.

After that phone call with Elizabeth my focus changed. It was as if God has spoken through her and filled me with Himself and reminded me that the only reason I exist is to glorify Him. Every day I woke up and read scripture and made a minute by minute choice to put Him first NOT my desires. As the weeks wore on I experienced ups and downs.. encouragement, discouragement, fatigue, exhaustion, elation, homesickness. But about two weeks in to the trip I realized how much I loved what I was doing. I loved being around horses all day. I loved the people I was around. I loved San Diego. I just loved being able to be at a barn all day and work with horses. I loved the opportunity God had given me. It was as though God brought me back to the simplicity of a little girl's love for a horse. That was all it was about. Yes, I was still tempted to put my desires first but God molded and worked on my heart and I can truly say that I learned what it meant to consciously choose to put God first. He is enough. He is my life. I am so passionate about that.

I have missed home and am so glad to be with my family but I feel like these last 5 weeks I have learned to rely on the Lord in ways I never have before. He is all I have. He has sustained me. I have had thoughts recently of "where will things go from here? Lord I feel like you are calling me to a career in the dressage industry but where do I go after this year? Is my horse even good enough to be successful in this?" And the answer that I keep getting back is God saying "Kayla no you don't know everything.. you don't have the answers. But trust me anyway." That is what I am clinging to.

I do feel as though God has used these past 5 weeks to teach me how to be around horses 24/7 yet still put Him first and He has affirmed that this is the industry and ministry and call He has for my life. I don't know what that will look like a year from now... I don't know if my horse will make it to high levels of dressage. But this is what I do know.. what has become so infinitely clear this past month: God is bigger. He has a plan. He has given me a horse that is perfect for me because God gave him to me and I am so thankful for that and will work everyday to be one day better, my horse means the world to me... I trust in the Lord's plan. I have a heart's desire to serve Christ and be used by Him no matter where that takes me or what it will look like. Who knows, I could end up back permanently in San Diego, CA. But my heart's desire is first and foremost to seek after my Lord and become one day closer to Him all the time and the rest of my life will fall into place as I seek His plan. There is no room for doubt anymore.. for too long I have been living in fear and afraid to admit what I am passionate about and afraid to run after it. No more. Once again God has taught me another lesson in being fearless :) That is my heart's desire that has ignited into a burning fire this past month... to glorify God and serve Him and be used. I am alive with passion and ready to go give my best at Blackhawk this year. Because I am called to.

Psalm 37:4 Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart