Rainy days

Today is a rainy, dreary day and I love it.

I always love rainy days because it gives me an excuse to stay in the house armed with a journal and a pen and spend time talking with God and writing out my feelings. It's just awesome. There is nothing better than resting in the Lord's prescence. I've been realizing how important it is for me to spend daily time in the Word.. and not just "read it just to read it time" but reading the Word and seeking after the Lord and hanging out with Him. God just wants our heart and too often I find myself too busy or not taking the time to just hang out with Him. I mean honestly think about it, the creater of the universe wants to hang out with US!! How crazy is that!? I know that I am so undeserving. I am realizing more and more that my devotions need to be so much more about spending time with the Lord instead of just putting in my bible time for the day. I was thinking about it this way... God is everything.. He is my friend, father, lover and what makes me who I am.. it's a relationship. Every relationship must be invested in. I want to invest my all in growing in my relationship with God. I want to take that quiet time every day to acknowledge who He is and rest in that.

Psalm 46:10 Be still and know that I am GOD

On a different note, I had a pretty cool session with Zi today. It was too wet to ride so I decided to spend some time playing with him. He has been wanting to start cantering or go fast everytime I ask him for the circling game. He'll rush off and race around me but everytime I'd ask him to yield his hindquarters away from me he would stop and prick his ears and get so excited. For some reason the past two days it just hasn't clicked as to why this new behavior has started.. he's normally such an introverted horse that I was surprised at this outward show of extrovert. It hit me like a brick today. He's playing with me. I felt like I'd just been hit over the head with a 2x4.. he just wants to play and so I started making things more interesting and letting him canter off during the circle and he loved it. For the first time this horse actually let me see his play drive that he has tried for so long to keep hidden. He is a very complex horse that has many layers to his personality and is so sensitive.. and the way he tries to play is almost "awkward" or "different" in comparison to the LBE Magi. I'm learning more and more how to have the feel and precision to play with a horse like Zi and today it came true on the ground and it's all carrying over under saddle. I love it!

...rainy days are my favorite :)

Psalm 46

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Sweet, Beautiful, Surrender

I apologize for not updating this for so long. To say things have been busy is an understatement.. but I need to update this. I must write about how God has and is working, how He has grown me and changed me and the doors he has opened have been incredible and humbled me.

This past school year has been difficult, heartbreaking, amazing, revealing, and full of new beginnings and moving on from the past. At the start of the year I went to Blackhawk and really struggled with the environment there.. I felt alone like no one else respected or shared my faith and I got lost in being scared and shriveled into a shell of fear. I could not be confident. It showed. I did not improve as much with Zi.. my horse judging seemed to be held back because I couldn't confidently mark a card and more than that I felt stagnant in my relationship with God. I remember calling my parents.. my brother and my closest friends and pouring out feelings of lonliness, frustration and confusion. How could God be asking me to stay somewhere where I was all alone? I wasn't improving with horses.. I felt like a failure and fear had taken over every part of me.

Over Christmas break I thrived being surrounded and fellowshipping with people who shared my passion for the Lord. As break drew to an end I really struggled with not wanting to return to school. I didn't want to go back to that feeling of discouragement and lonliness and the feeling of not being close to my Lord. I wanted what was comfortable and safe. Then it was as if God just woke me up and said "Kayla, listen to me. Trust me. I am with you and that is all that matters." I had been reading through Hebrews and as I read Hebrews 11 a chapter that talks in depth about faith, God spoke to my heart. Hebrews 11:1 Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance in what we do not see. It hit me like a brick that I had only been thinking about me, I needed to walk by faith. God had called me to Blackhawk but not for the reasons I had originally thought.

I returned to school second semester with an entirely new perspective. My circumstances were not changing. However, God has opened my eyes to the fact that I am at Blackhawk to be used by Him, to be a light and to let Him grow and stretch and refine me in ways that I had never imagined possible. He called me to Blackhawk to be different and grow closer to Him. I learned to be alone and to find comfort in that because God is enough. He is my everything and even if I didn't feel it, He is always with me. That changed everything.. because of Him I can let go of my fear and when there is less of me He is able to work in ways that make me in awe of who He is. I choose to walk by faith and when I do my perspective changes. My heart is burdened for those who live their life in sin... I want to plant eternal seeds and live my life for Christ so others can see who He is. This school year I have learned what it means to live in the world but not be of it. I have learned once again how to be fearless and have reached a place of complete surrender. My life is God's. I relenquish control. He is everything to me and has filled up my heart and I have fallen so much more deeply in love with Him. I never want to be stagnant in my relationship with Him.. I always want to want to be wanting to be closer my Lord. That is my prayer and heart especially as I return to school in the fall.

God has opened many doors for me this semester... It has always been my prayer that if the horse industry is where He wants me that it would be affirmed and that He would give me a ministry. I do not want this to become about me. I pray that if it does He would take it away. This summer... God has given me an opportunity that I never expected, my trainer Nichole is going to San Diego, CA to train and work with Steffen Peters one of the most decorated dressage riders right now. At first, I didn't think that I would be able to intern or work with Nichole over the summer like I had originally planned. I had no idea what to do, I was upset.. so thrilled for her opportunity but unsure how my summer would go. I sought after God's plan and committed Jeremiah 29:11 to my heart and waited for what He had in store. A couple weeks after learning of Nichole's plans to go to CA she called me and asked me a question I'll never forget, "do you want to come with me?"

Since then.. God has worked out every detail and plainly showed me that this is what He has in store this summer. I will be going with Nichole to work with and learn from Steffen Peters in San Diego, I leave in two weeks. I am so excited, humbled, scared, nervous, and giddy. Yes, there are doubts and uncertainties that threaten to overtake my mind but God is bigger. I am choosing to walk by faith and pursue the path He has laid before me. There is no room for fear. I want to go and do my best for Him because that is what I am called to do. This is a dream come true and I am so thankful for what He is doing. I just want to go and give my best, this is a chance of a lifetime to learn from one of the most elite riders in the world right now. I know that this is only of God and who am I to allow fear to overtake me? I choose to let go of fear, there is no room for doubt. I no longer want to give in to the "what if I'm not good enough?" because I want to be confident in who I am in Christ and allow Him to give me the strength to pursue this opportunity. If God is for us, who can be against us?

Zi will be staying at home for the five weeks I am gone, hopefully a friend will be riding him for me to keep him in shape. He has improved dramatically.. in some ways he isn't even the same horse I bought a year ago. His muscle pattern has changed and his personality is more pronounced. He is a very emotional horse (typical right brain introvert/extrovert) but is so sensitive and rewarding to work with because when I get it right he tries so hard. Under saddle, he carries himself in a rounded dressage frame and is able to stay light in my hands. Hopefully, there are some big things in store for him :)

These past several months God has grown, matured and stretched me. I have come to a place of surrender... sweet, beautiful surrender that allows for more intimacy with Christ. I am thankful for the hardships and trials of the past months because brokenness brings us to our knees and to a state of surrendrance. I love that. If my trials bring me closer to Christ, then I am thankful for that. I am so excited to see how He continues to grow me in the upcoming months. I am not called to be comfortable.. as Francis Chan would say, we are called to trust God so completely that we are unafraid to put ourselves in situations where we will be in trouble if He doesn't come through. That is the kind of faith I am striving for and will always be seeking.

Jeremiah 29:11

Hebrews 11:1

2 Corinthians 5:7

Growth

I leave for college in two days.

I am so excited. I am terrified. I am giddy. I am sad. I am so incredibly excited to see what God has in store.

Goodbyes are not easy and saying goodbye to those here is going to hurt. I know that Blackhawk is not going to be easy, it will be hard. It is so far outside of my comfort zone, but the beauty in that is that God will grow me. I am so comfortable here at home in my routine. I can not wait to be pushed out of my comfort zone and experience God's peace and be stretched and grown by Him in ways that are un-imaginable right now.

I pray that while I am at school God will reveal a ministry for me in the horse world. My passion is horses but more than that my passion is God. I want to glorify and worship Him through horses and I want to impact the Kingdom through horses. My prayer for this year is that God will show me what that actually looks like. I am in a place of total surrendrance... these past several months God has asked me to surrender absolutely everything. My horses, my health, my family, my friends, my heart. I can not wait to see what He has in store for the coming year.

I trust in His plan. I do not know where I am going to be a year from now. But I trust that it will be where God wants me.

Jeremiah 29:11
Proverbs 3:5-6

A Clean Slate. Goodbyes. New Beginnings. Heartbreak. Faith

In two weeks I am leaving for college.

I am packing up my life, and my horse and heading out on my own.

I would be lying if I said I wasn't scared or uneasy or nervous because I am. I am terrified but at the same time I am so excited. This is the moment I have been waiting for my whole life and up until now this is where I feel God leading me. I feel His peace and His direction.

In the past month I have had some serious health issues arise which have held setbacks and required a new level of walking by faith for me. There is so much that is unknown. I am not guarenteed tomorrow and I want to not hold back and live up each day for Christ as though it is my last. In the last year, God has called me to surrender absolutely every part of my life and in doing so He has given me a clean slate as I head off to this new chapter in my life.

I hate goodbyes. Saying goodbye to my friends is going to hurt, I will miss them so much but I know that God is calling me to Blackhawk for right now. I love my friends. (you all know who you are :) ) God has used them in huge ways in my life but there is a time for goodbye and new beginnings. Our friendship may become long distance but my love for them will not change, and I will still make sure I see and talk to them.

I am going to miss my family. I don't have words for how much I love them and how hard it will be to not be at football games on Friday nights this fall to support my Dad. Growing up is hard but I can rest in knowing that no matter what my family will always love and support me. Even if I'm away from home.

My heart my break as I say my goodbyes and load up my life in two weeks but I choose to walk by faith into this next chapter and I believe that what God holds in store is going to be amazing. I will have Zi with me as we embark on this journey together. I don't know what the future holds, right now I'm taking it one day at a time and seeing where God guides my path.

Jeremiah 29:11
Romans 8: 24-25

Walking by Faith

Life has no guarentees. Tomorrow is never for sure.

In coming weeks I must face my fear and face the unknown. I am terrified. I want to fall apart and break down. I want to give in to fear. I want to hide and pretend everything is okay. But God is bigger.

God is showing me what it truly means to walk by faith and not by sight. If I knew why things were happening the way that they are...it would not be living by faith. I can't see the big picture. I can only see what is in front of me. I trust that I am in God's hands. He will never let me go. He will not forsake me. I can not allow fear to cripple me. I will not let it define who I am. I choose to walk by faith because my life is God's. He knows best. I trust that no matter what happens it is His will and I am going to live it out.

I want to look at trials as an opportunity to live out 2 Corinthians 5:7. God uses trials to refine our faith and when I look at them that way it changes the entire perspective. Regardless of what the coming weeks bring, I choose to walk by faith and not by sight and follow the path that God paves for me.

Hebrews 11

Don't hold back

Life is short. Life has no guarentees. Live it up. Love unconditionally and without holding back today. Tomorrow is not for sure.


I have really been reflecting on how I live day to day. I get up, go to the barn, play with and ride Zi, hang out with my family, hang out with my friends, go to caribou, drink coffee, read, journal, go back to the barn and then I sleep. The same routine repeats. I don't want to get stuck in that routine. I want to not hold back, I feel like it is so easy to get caught up in day to day living and waste time. I want to invest in relationships and pour myself into those and love without holding anything back and stop worrying about tomorrow. Leave no words unsaid and open my heart and live every day as though it is my last.

Song of Songs 8:6-7 For love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame. Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot wash it away.

Love is powerful. Don't hold it back. Love today. It has been close to my heart to not worry about tomorrow and love unconditionally and live it up fearlessly for Christ right now with the time I have and keep an eternal perspective.

2 Corinthians 4:18 So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

Becoming Uncomfortable

God does not call us to be comfortable.

He calls us to be uncomfortable because it is then that He grows us the most. It is a state of fearlessness.

I have come to realize in the past weeks that God is calling me in every part of my life to be uncomfortable and to step outside my comfort zone. It is uncertain. It is scary. In fact it is terrifying. Yet it is also full of joy, and peace because God is the center of it. I do not know what will happen tomorrow or a week from now or where I will be a year from now. What I do know is that today I am in God's hands and He is cradling my life. My heart is His and I want to live everyday as though it is my last knowing that for me to live is Christ and to die is gain.

What kind of perspective is that!? I love how Paul has that eternal perspective and I want to cling to that. I want to embrace it. I want to own it. What would it look like if every christian embraced that eternal perspective and spent their days living it up in a state of fearlessness for Christ?

-Kayla