Growth

I leave for college in two days.

I am so excited. I am terrified. I am giddy. I am sad. I am so incredibly excited to see what God has in store.

Goodbyes are not easy and saying goodbye to those here is going to hurt. I know that Blackhawk is not going to be easy, it will be hard. It is so far outside of my comfort zone, but the beauty in that is that God will grow me. I am so comfortable here at home in my routine. I can not wait to be pushed out of my comfort zone and experience God's peace and be stretched and grown by Him in ways that are un-imaginable right now.

I pray that while I am at school God will reveal a ministry for me in the horse world. My passion is horses but more than that my passion is God. I want to glorify and worship Him through horses and I want to impact the Kingdom through horses. My prayer for this year is that God will show me what that actually looks like. I am in a place of total surrendrance... these past several months God has asked me to surrender absolutely everything. My horses, my health, my family, my friends, my heart. I can not wait to see what He has in store for the coming year.

I trust in His plan. I do not know where I am going to be a year from now. But I trust that it will be where God wants me.

Jeremiah 29:11
Proverbs 3:5-6

A Clean Slate. Goodbyes. New Beginnings. Heartbreak. Faith

In two weeks I am leaving for college.

I am packing up my life, and my horse and heading out on my own.

I would be lying if I said I wasn't scared or uneasy or nervous because I am. I am terrified but at the same time I am so excited. This is the moment I have been waiting for my whole life and up until now this is where I feel God leading me. I feel His peace and His direction.

In the past month I have had some serious health issues arise which have held setbacks and required a new level of walking by faith for me. There is so much that is unknown. I am not guarenteed tomorrow and I want to not hold back and live up each day for Christ as though it is my last. In the last year, God has called me to surrender absolutely every part of my life and in doing so He has given me a clean slate as I head off to this new chapter in my life.

I hate goodbyes. Saying goodbye to my friends is going to hurt, I will miss them so much but I know that God is calling me to Blackhawk for right now. I love my friends. (you all know who you are :) ) God has used them in huge ways in my life but there is a time for goodbye and new beginnings. Our friendship may become long distance but my love for them will not change, and I will still make sure I see and talk to them.

I am going to miss my family. I don't have words for how much I love them and how hard it will be to not be at football games on Friday nights this fall to support my Dad. Growing up is hard but I can rest in knowing that no matter what my family will always love and support me. Even if I'm away from home.

My heart my break as I say my goodbyes and load up my life in two weeks but I choose to walk by faith into this next chapter and I believe that what God holds in store is going to be amazing. I will have Zi with me as we embark on this journey together. I don't know what the future holds, right now I'm taking it one day at a time and seeing where God guides my path.

Jeremiah 29:11
Romans 8: 24-25

Walking by Faith

Life has no guarentees. Tomorrow is never for sure.

In coming weeks I must face my fear and face the unknown. I am terrified. I want to fall apart and break down. I want to give in to fear. I want to hide and pretend everything is okay. But God is bigger.

God is showing me what it truly means to walk by faith and not by sight. If I knew why things were happening the way that they are...it would not be living by faith. I can't see the big picture. I can only see what is in front of me. I trust that I am in God's hands. He will never let me go. He will not forsake me. I can not allow fear to cripple me. I will not let it define who I am. I choose to walk by faith because my life is God's. He knows best. I trust that no matter what happens it is His will and I am going to live it out.

I want to look at trials as an opportunity to live out 2 Corinthians 5:7. God uses trials to refine our faith and when I look at them that way it changes the entire perspective. Regardless of what the coming weeks bring, I choose to walk by faith and not by sight and follow the path that God paves for me.

Hebrews 11

Don't hold back

Life is short. Life has no guarentees. Live it up. Love unconditionally and without holding back today. Tomorrow is not for sure.


I have really been reflecting on how I live day to day. I get up, go to the barn, play with and ride Zi, hang out with my family, hang out with my friends, go to caribou, drink coffee, read, journal, go back to the barn and then I sleep. The same routine repeats. I don't want to get stuck in that routine. I want to not hold back, I feel like it is so easy to get caught up in day to day living and waste time. I want to invest in relationships and pour myself into those and love without holding anything back and stop worrying about tomorrow. Leave no words unsaid and open my heart and live every day as though it is my last.

Song of Songs 8:6-7 For love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame. Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot wash it away.

Love is powerful. Don't hold it back. Love today. It has been close to my heart to not worry about tomorrow and love unconditionally and live it up fearlessly for Christ right now with the time I have and keep an eternal perspective.

2 Corinthians 4:18 So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

Becoming Uncomfortable

God does not call us to be comfortable.

He calls us to be uncomfortable because it is then that He grows us the most. It is a state of fearlessness.

I have come to realize in the past weeks that God is calling me in every part of my life to be uncomfortable and to step outside my comfort zone. It is uncertain. It is scary. In fact it is terrifying. Yet it is also full of joy, and peace because God is the center of it. I do not know what will happen tomorrow or a week from now or where I will be a year from now. What I do know is that today I am in God's hands and He is cradling my life. My heart is His and I want to live everyday as though it is my last knowing that for me to live is Christ and to die is gain.

What kind of perspective is that!? I love how Paul has that eternal perspective and I want to cling to that. I want to embrace it. I want to own it. What would it look like if every christian embraced that eternal perspective and spent their days living it up in a state of fearlessness for Christ?

-Kayla

The Choice

Life is a journey that constantly has so many twists and turns that can hurt yet be so joyful. I love that in the midst of them God is always there. I've come to discover in the last five months that God is truly my only constant. I can't rely on anything in this world because it will fail me. Friends will fail me. Regardless of how much I love them or how much they love me (or say they do) they will fail me because of human nature but God is so much bigger and He never fails. Being able to rest in that is such a comfort.

I had a in depth conversation with Courtney and Elizabeth about friendships the other day and just to see how God is working in them both is beyond inspiring to me, I love how they are so transparent with what God is teaching them. It made me realize though how true it is that God is really our only constant and as women of Christ we need to seek after what He has and live that out. We need to own it. I love that.

I took Zi to the 4H overnight last weekend and it was amazing. He did so much better than I had anticipated and maybe it was because of my growth as a horseman and rider. I went without feeling like I had to prove myself to anyone and I just focused on my horse and what he needed. He never even blinked at the train and I was able to play with and ride him in the arena. Katie was there with Ari and having her there was a blessing and seeing how she worked with Ari was a true testament to horsemanship. I don't think I've ever been more proud of her :)

In the last week I've had to face something that I haven't wanted to admit. I lost some confidence with Zi because of Magi leaving and just doubting myself because of health and situations. One thing with Zi that is so evident is he is so in tune to me as a leader and if I am not mentally "fit" enough he loses confidence. It's been a threshold for me to work through as a horseman and rider because I feel ashamed admitting I have allowed confidence to escape me in the last week.

The bottom line is I miss Magi. I miss childhood and I am afraid. I feel like there is this choice looming in front of me. I can choose to allow God to work through this and be fearless for Him and pursue my future with Him by my side and Zi or I can choose to constantly be looking back to Magi and my past. I have struggled with grief, anger and bitterness because of saying goodbye to Magi. I hate being that transparent but it's the truth. I keep running into God's arms and just pouring out my hurting heart and offering it up and I now have a choice. God is not calling me to be comfortable. He is calling me to live outside my comfort zone and be better utilized for Him. Yes I am hurting and I miss Magi but I am outside my comfort zone and God has blessed me with Zi and an opportunity to utilize my talents and give my best. I need to take it. Fearlessly.

Letting Love Live On

I miss Magi.

The pain of letting go has nearly torn me apart.

God is so in the midst of this though, his peace and comfort transcend all understanding and have carried me through a week that I did not humanly have the strength for.

I had a realization this weekend. Yesterday I had a not so great session with Zi... it wasn't anything that he did it was just that mentally I could not get myself together. I wasn't enough of a leader for him. Today, I went out to the barn and spent 20 minutes playing at liberty in the pasture. At the end of it he cantered over to me and stopped in front of me and I slowly sank down to my knees in the grass. I sensed that he was unconfident and by lowering my center of gravity I was less threatening. He nuzzled my head and then stepped closer and lowered his head into my lap. I rubbed him and we sat like that for what seemed like hours. It was then that I realized in the week since Magi has left I have closed my heart up.

I've been too afraid to let go and let myself love Zi the way he deserves because I'm afraid of being hurt again. In doing that I've not allowed God to have the victory He wants to have in my life. I have been issued a challenge. A challenge to let love live on and open up my heart and love unconditionally and unceasingly no matter how the relationship or friendship ends. I choose to let love live on. Yes I still hurt, I still cry and I still miss Magi but God is growing me and right now He is stretching me and helping me to see that I need to choose to let love back into my heart and to embrace it with every fiber of my being.

God is love.