I don't think goodbye has ever been as hard at it was yesterday morning. It felt surreal.
I put Magi in the stall he was to stay in until his trip to Florida and with tears streaming down my face I buried my head into his mane and sobbed. He stood there and nuzzled my shoulder and it felt like we stayed like that for hours. Then I had to walk away.
I walked down the barn aisle and he whinnied after me and it took every ounce of will power to not turn around and run back to him. God held my heart though. I felt God's peace and comfort from the beginning and I rested in it. Magi is now on his way to Sarasota, Florida where he will have an exceptional home with someone who can give him what I can't.
What does moving on look like? How am I supposed to go on from here? I believe that God has done such a work in my life in the past few months. He has blessed me with friendships I will treasure for the rest of my life and He's given me the courage to surrender my heart entirely over to Him and He's given me the strength to stay living in a state of surrendrance. My heart broke in two yesterday and today I miss Magi so much it hurts.
It was not just a horse that I have loved for the past five and a half years that I said goodbye to. I said goodbye to my childhood, and to a part of my life that I will never get back. I said goodbye to a horse who represented the darkest time in my life and the victory that the Lord granted me in that time. I said goodbye to part of myself. My prayer is that Magi can go and be successful with his new owner and I trust that He will. He was never mine but instead a borrowed gift from my heavenly Father at a time when I needed it. Now, I have Zi and a bright career and future to look ahead to.
Right now though my heart is still broken and I still just want to cry. I feel like I'm living in a fog. I miss my first love. God is in this though. I hear His voice and I am trusting that He will bring me through this because He is faithful and He is good. He does not forsake nor forget. May His name be praised forever. I love the way that God grows us because He has stretched me so far outside my comfort zone in saying goodbye to Magi yet He is using it to grow me. New challenges as far as health and life itself have come up yet God is still God. He is my everything and I now have the opportunity to live that out.
A part of me will always miss Magi. Right now the pain is still raw but I am allowing God to heal. Courtney, Zack, Lizzy and Katie were all there for me yesterday and God used their support to help me through the hardest day of my life. God continues to shower down blessing in a time that is so devestatingly hard and uncertain.
For that I am thankful.
2 Corinthians 12:10
For when I am weak, then I am strong.
You are strong through him. For the Holy Spirit gives us life. And He lives in us and encourages us. Francias Chan, you, and god taught me that.
ReplyDeleteAnd I can't begin to imagine, sympathize, or tell you I know how you feel. Because I don't. But I see beauty is this time of weakness and helplessness. Becaue though you don't know where to go, what to do, He does! He has it planned out so perfectly, there is no way we could do better. It's like the birthday party with the best cake, presents ... all the way downs to the perfect floor with out a speck of dust!
He has it planned for you and Magi.
And because He is so strong and living in you and supporting you, you can be weak, you can cry out to Him. He promises to hear you Kayla. Because He loves you. All of you. The strength, the weak, the flaws, and the skills.
All of it.
Because when you are weak, through Him, you are strong.
Kay that was so beautiful it brought me to tears! I can see and feel your pain in this, but God is shining so brightly through you and is carrying you. His love is what I see most in you now. Keep clinging to him and he will get you through. I love you so much girl!!!
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