Saying Goodbye

I hate goodbyes. They suck. I dread them.

This week I have to say goodbye to someone who has been a major part of my life the last five years. He was there when my world fell apart freshman year, he was the shoulder I would cry on, he would listen when I had no one else to talk to, he stole my heart. My horse, Magi has been my gift from the Lord. God gave him to me at a time when I needed him. God used him to teach me and to mold me into who I am today. I remember being a 13 year old who stared into the eyes of a four year old Arabian horse and saw part of myself. Magi knew me, he was used by God to teach me and to help me through the darkest time in my life.

Now, five and a half years later I have to say goodbye to the one who has taught me so much. I say goodbye to my best friend, my greatest teacher and to the one who has held my heart and helped to ignite my passion for horses. I know that this is what is best and that this is what God wants. Above everything, I see that God gave me Magi for a season when I needed him and now God is taking him away and giving him a chance to be there for someone else who needs him more than I do. My heart is breaking and I hurt and I cry but God holds my tears and God is the one who is my passion and my everything. He is with me in this. I am not alone.

Magi,

I love you. Those three words don't hold enough meaning to express how I feel about you and how much I care and how much you have meant to me in the last five and a half years. You taught me so much and I know that I've not always given you my best but you always forgive. I look in your eyes and I see acceptance, I see hope, love, beauty, confidence, trust and I see a reflection of my heart. God has blessed me with you and He has used you to grow me, to stretch me and to mold me. Thank you for being there when I needed you, thank you for letting me sob into your shoulder and for letting me soak your mane with my tears. Thank you for making me laugh, and for giving me joy and for blessing me with rides that I will never forget. I am sorry that I have to leave you. This is what is best even though neither of us can see it right now. I'm sorry I can't be enough for you and I'm sorry that we couldn't make this last but God has victory in this. I love you. I will always love you. When you leave in that trailer on monday, part of my heart will leave with you.

Some may think it's insane that a horse means this much to me and has taught me this much. But God works in mysterious ways and God has used Magi to grow me. He brought Magi into my life when I needed him and is now taking him away. I will surrender to His throne and my heart will be filled with my passion for Christ and for who He is because He is enough even in the midst of this pain.

Goodbyes suck. Yet God is in the midst of them and eases the pain.

Goodbye Magi. I will always love you.

You will always be in my heart.

Job 1:21-22 The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; May the name of the Lord be praised

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you declares the LORD, "plans to proser you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

James 1:17 Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.

Goodbyes

Zi has been doing amazing. I really have loved being able to work with a young horse again and watch him figure things out. He really has a great mind and an inate desire to please however he is so sensitive and requires such a level of softness that if fun for me to play with and experiment with. Magi and Zi are definitely complete opposites of each other but that's what keeps it fun for me as a trainer! I've been riding Zi a lot and he has improved so much every ride, he can now walk and trot consistent circles and figure eights and maintain a steady tempo. I have cantered him (his canter is HUGE!) however there is still a lot of work to be done to achieve circles at the canter. I've already started to ask for a little collection from him, more mental collection and he has been giving it to me. I am so excited for his progress and for what lays ahead for both of us together!

Magi is leaving soon. It hurts to even type that. It's good yet it's also hard for me, I have found a lady in Florida that will give him the best possible home and I know he'll love it but I hate goodbyes. I'm not good at them. I already have to say goodbye to friends this fall so saying goodbye to Magi in the next week will be hard. Yet, I see God's hand. I feel his prescence. I know that He is in this and I am clinging to that. God has been teaching me and growing me in ways that I didn't even imagine were possible. I am in a state of surrendrance that is beautiful and is opening my eyes to others around me and to how I can be used even more by Christ. I love that. I've been reading through Job and one verse that has stuck out to me like no other is from Job 1: 21-22 The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised.

That is my heart.

Letting Go

Zi has been doing great! We had a liberty session yesterday and I tacked him up and rode him today and he did fantastic:) It's amazing because he requires so much softness of feel and the softer I am the more he begins to offer! It's incredible and definitely a neat thing for me as a horseman and rider to play with. He also is a quick learner and picks things up so fast! In our riding session today, at the start of it he wasn't sure exactly how to turn while continuing to walk and trot. By the end though he was trotting consistent circles and everything! His trot is the most comfortable, big and fluid trot I've ever felt in my life! This horse really is going places, he is going to teach me so much!

Today, I had this realiziation hit me like a brick. I am leaving in three months for school. My entire life is going to change. I will not be around my friends, Magi will be gone and I will be away finally able to pursue my dreams with a horse like Zi. I am so incredibly excited but I am also terrified. I want to be fearless and I am striving for that. God has so much in store and I feel myself more and more surrendering to His name and to what He has. There is no fear in pursuing what God has laid before me, I know he guides my steps. I need to let go and embrace the change even though I don't want to. I want to stay close to the friends I have gotten so close to in the last nine months. I want to hold on yet I realize I need to let go and embrace what God has in store for me in the future. Letting go is not easy. I have to let go of Magi. I have to let go of him because I love him and there has not been a harder lesson to learn than that one. It hurts. Yet I see God's hand in it and that is what I am clinging to.

Passion

Zi's second day has been fantastic.
I truly have the bestest best friends in the world. Courtney, Elizabeth, Mark, Zack and I all had a picnic at the barn and then rode Magi and I worked with Zi. I loved it! It was just healthy fellowship and God was the center of it, plus the fact that I have friends who truly support and appreciate the passion of my heart.

Zi was wonderful today. I can't really tack him up and ride yet because his new girth and bridle don't come until tomorrow. But today was spent doing a lot of undemanding time and playing. He jumped barrels...trotted circles and changes of direction, backed through doorways, I picked up all four feet from one side, and he got to hang out with me while I helped Katie with her trailering session with Ari. It is definitely love at first sight. I truly have never felt this instant kind of connection with a horse before, he has so much potential and thrives with attention. He is very sensitive and definitely more so than Magi is. So far, the one thing I have worked the most on is backing up. I noticed that he seems to be unconfident backing up more than a few steps especially if he's backing towards something. In order to help him become even more confident backing out of a trailer we've worked on backing through doorways and small spaces today. He's been great so far. I really love working with a introverted horse that's so different than Magi is.

Magi is also doing great. I got to play with and ride him and also had Mark and Courtney ride him. He is still jealous of Zi but truly had a great session today. He definitely had some dominance attributes that were even more pronounced due to Zi's arrival. But overall a fantastic day:)

God has really been laying it on my heart lately that I need to guard my heart in relationships and friendships and more than that I need to be in constant surrendrance to His will. I don't think I've ever realized more what that looks like until these last few months. There is definitely beauty in the breaking and sometimes God asks us to surrender something that we don't want to let go of. Yet, when we actually let it go He fills us with His peace that transcends all understanding. I feel that peace and I can see God's hand in my life that last few months. Zi is a blessing. I can not wait to see where God leads us next!

I just am so passionate about horses and the fact that God has given me this passion makes me more passionate! Everything I do reflects that passion and I love that I am finally being given the chance to share my heart with others. With my friends...with others in the horse industry and also I am allowed to share my heart as I work with Zi. I am in love with the way God works.

He is Here!:)

Zi is here! My Dad, Katie, and I all went to pick him up today.

I feel like a giddy little girl again. I don't think this ever gets old.

He settled in perfectly, very calm cool and collected. He trailered like a champ and surprised me with how well he trailered and settled in. Magi was not a very happy camper.. he was a little bit jealous of the fact that my attention is no longer completely centered on him. Today, I just felt and saw God in everything. God was in the center of all of this and He led me to Zi and led me to a horse of his calibur. I am so amazed and in awe of Him and who He is and of the fact that He is opening doors for me in the horse world.

Having Zi here definitely helps ease the pain of having to let Magi go. It doesn't make it go away but it helps to see that God has plans for me still. He gives and He takes away. Zi has potential. I played with him today, I only focused on the basic seven games and then I hung out with him in his stall for awhile. I even hopped on him bareback for a little bit tonight and he was amazing. I definitely see some areas that he needs a lot of work on but there is no baggage and nothing to "undo," which is just perfect for a horse trainer like me:).

God is opening doors. God is just in the center of this. I felt Him in everything today. I have even more of a fire for Him and for my passion and I can not wait to see where it will take me and the rest of the doors God will open.

All I know is that I am His. He is mine. I have a passion for horses that He has given me. I love horses. I see God's hand in horses and I know He will use it somehow.

Whispers of Summer

Zi comes in six days :) School is done in three days:) I can feel summer's whispers!
I am beyond excited.
This summer I will be spending all my time at the barn, working with Zi and continuing to work and enjoy time with Magi for as long as I have him. Magi is officially listed for sale on equine.com and is being marketed as a Level 4 Parelli horse/dressage horse and hunter prospect. If you know of anyone interested please let me know, I really want to find him a good home.

This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do and I wish things were different but they aren't. God is just opening my eyes and heart up to so much more. I had a close friend tell me earlier today that I need to find joy in this because it is what God wants. It hurts yes, but I will continue to give my best effort and continue to love and open up my heart and give my best for Christ.

I am three months away from leaving for Blackhawk. That excites me to no end! God has so much in store for me and I am just so excited to see what happens and what He does!

Six days. :) Zi is a blessing. He will challenge me in new ways and grow me in even more!
-Kayla&Magi&Zi

Beauty in the Breaking

There is beauty in the breaking.
When I'm flat on my face and I feel like my world is falling apart THAT is when I feel God the most.
That is when He refines me more to Himself and when I am completely and utterly consumed by Him and who He is.
What does it look like for me to completely give everything for Him?
How do I achieve that?

Amidst the pain... and heartache, there is joy because I know I am doing what God has called me to do. I know that I am close to Him and this and that is all that matters.

There is beauty in the breaking.
Consume me Lord for I am yours.
-Kayla

Start of Something New

I went out to Kingsway today for the first time in months. I used to board Magi there when I first bought him and being back out there was so crazy. I watched one of my friend's lessons and helped teach a little bit and got to ride and everything it was great! I was shocked though because the barn owner stopped me to catch up a little bit and he asked me to maybe judge the barn's upcoming schooling show as well as help teach camp lessons this summer! God just completely opened another door and working at a barn all summer teaching lessons would be absolutely perfect! I am going to follow up with him again in the next few weeks and make sure that all this actually happens but it was definitely an encouraging morning. I needed that.

I am so excited for this summer and upcoming fall. I feel that God is just doing SO much and growing me and stretching me and pushing me outside my comfort zone in ways that hurt like crazy but are so good. I feel Him like no other and He is just holding my heart and guiding my steps. I have realized that in the mids of brokenness God is there He is here and I am relying on Him like no other. I want that to be how it is all the time. I always want to feel this close to God and who He is. I just feel in complete surrendrance. I am His. I can not wait for what lays in store.

Zi comes in two - ish weeks :)
-Kayla