I Am not my Own

I am officially on Christmas Break! A whole month away from school, I get to be at home with the family and I also get a blessed chance to catch up with friends whom I haven't seen for a few months. I love this restoration and rejuvenation period God blesses us college kids with! :)

Lately, most of my time has been taken up with riding and working Zi (He needs to stay in shape with the month away from school, next semester starts our show season!), working out, hanging with the family and dear friends, working, and spending time in the Word. I love having no time contstraints and able to sit with my Bible and journal and write, pray and read for endless minutes. In addition to this semester closing out... there is the overwhelming and ever present question of "what am I going to do next year?" Blackhawk is a two year program school and next year I am either transferring on to another 4 year university to get my bachelor's degree in animal science (equine emphasis) or going straight to work in the training industry. Needless to say, I have absolutely no idea what next year is going to encompass. But I do know this. I am not my own. My choices are not going to be made based on what I want but on what God has for me.

I've spent a lot of my journaling time and time in prayer reflecting on my life and on the passions God has given me and on what God is doing in my heart. Right now, this is what I know. I am passionate about training horses and teaching people and horses...I love working with horses others don't always understand and I love the complexity and beauty of the discipline of dressage. I love being around people, I love loving people.. I love being there for others and I love doing whatever I can to help others. I love to love! More than anything else, I love Jesus Christ and everything I do reflects Him and the call He has placed on my life. I live to glorify Him. I am not my own.

Currently, I am planning on applying to West Texas A&M and Oklahoma State University for next year and hopefully being apart of their horse judging and equestrian teams. However, I have no idea where I will actually end up. Just as the Israelites laid out their fleece overnight prior to battle to see what God would do; I am laying out my fleece and waiting to see what God reveals. I could end up at another college far from home... yes, being away from home would be so incredibly difficult. However, my infinate fear in life is that I make choices to live comfortably, to do what is easy. I know God calls me to be uncomfortable, to trust Him so completely that I am unafraid to put myself in situations that cause discomfort. Wherever God calls me to next year, I will follow. I long to be a woman who is so lost and consumed with the Lord that I without hesitation go where He leads me.

He has opened doors for me in the horse industry in ways that I never would of imagined... I pray to one day have a ministry where I can work with people and horses and serve the Lord. I want to be used by Him. I have been placed at Blackhawk to be used by Him and to be put in an uncomfortable situation so that He can refine me. There is no part of myself that is my own. All of me is completely and utterly Christ's.

1 Corinthians 6:19-20

Trust

I know I have been bad at this whole updating thing, which is my fault because I have allowed myself to get way too busy at school. I think everything that God did in my life when I was in San Diego this summer has completely carried over into this school year.

I started this semester with an excitement to see what God would do, I was focused and ready for judging at the two biggest contests of my career the Quarter Horse Congress and the AQHA World show. Looking back.. it makes me so sick to my stomach to think that I doubt God sometimes and His plan. At the beginning of the semester, I once again allowed fear and doubt to creep into my mind and I kept listening to satan's lies of "you aren't good enough; why would you even try?" I tried to do things on my own and I was consumed with the idea of perfection. In my mind, in order to be used I had to be at this amazing perfect place spiritually and I had to have it all together.

I wonder if God finds humor in our human ways of thinking. How could I ever try to be enough for the creator of the universe and pretend like I am capable on my own? How ridiculous is that!? Anyway, at the Congress I completely caved and crumbled... I made everything about me and lost my focus. After that trip to Ohio, God showed up in ways that I still am in awe of. He used my judging coach and his wife to minister to me and speak to my heart in a way that could only be the Holy Spirit. It was as if this curtain was lifted from my eyes and I realized who I am and why I'm here. I am Christ's. I have been living in the shadow of doubt for way too long... now is the time to be and to choose to be who God has called me to be. I don't have to be in a "perfect" place spiritually to be used by Him. The truth is, I don't have it all together and I am absolutely nothing without Christ and that is why I am so content. Because of my Lord:) This semester has been refining my character and brought me to a new intimacy with the Lord that I never knew was possible. I've learned to rely on Him in ways that I've never had to before.

I don't know where I'm going to be next year... I don't know where I'll end up. I don't know how I'll pay for next year. But I trust that God has it planned out and I know He will provide and no matter what I will be more than okay because I am His. I feel like right now I'm really being called by Him to go and try to find a job working for a trainer near the Chicagoland area next year...which is so different from what all my peers are telling me but who am I to doubt God's call for my life? I will give my all and work my butt off in this horse industry and to try and find a trainer to work for and establish a business and allow myself to be used in the horse world because that is the passion God has given me and where He has called me to be. I will not be moved. I am standing on the Rock of Christ and I work, I breathe, I live, I love, my heart beats entirely for serving Him.

I love how God works. I love this constant and beautiful journey of life that constantly brings us closer to His heart.

Colossians 3:23
Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men."

How He Loves

Today was just entirely God filled and beautiful. A perfect summer day.

I woke up at 7am went and rode Zi (who was amazing today! He's been having a lot of mental moments lately and I'm learning more and more how to ride with the sensitivity and precision he needs which is a great learning experience for me) and then I went and spent the rest of my day with Courtney and Elizabeth. Those two girls are blessings in my life. God is just so evident in our friendship and I see elements of Him in both of them.

I can't put into words how overwhelmed with God's love I feel right now.. it's like I'm bubbling over with passion, excitement, and joy of how He loves, how He works. who He is and how He blesses. It takes my breath away. As we sat in Elizabeth's backyard, soaking up the sun's final afternoon rays; we spilled our hearts and just talked and talked about what God is doing in our lives and how blessed we are to have each other. It's in moments with dear best friends like that that I think to myself how incredible heaven will be! As we sit in the LORD'S prescence surrounded by a fellowship and community of believers and bask in His love. It gives me chills just thinking about it :)

I was reminded today of Psalm 46:10 "Be still and know that I am GOD." or in other versions: "Cease striving and know that I am GOD." How powerful is that scripture? Cease, be still and know who our Savior is and bask in that. I feel like life's pages turn so quickly.. I just got back from working in San Diego...I come home and I go back to school in two weeks.. football season is starting so Dad and Nathan (my brother) are busy (my dad is a head football coach at a large high school in Naperville, IL and my brother is a sophomore in high school plays for him) with two-a-days starting tomorrow and the first game being two weeks from Friday.. my mom is busy at her new job as a women's ministry director at our church. I am realizing how crucial it is to take the time to just cease all striving and be still before my Lord. His voice is all that matters and He longs and desires for us to seek Him, to bask in His love, and just be with Him. He fills us and when He fills us He uses us as lights to a dark world. I just love it. I love to love. I love His love. I will constantly be striving to be closer to Him.

I also think as I continue pursuing my career in the horse/dressage industry where I feel the Lord leading me.. I desire to have a ministry and to be able to share my faith and passion for God. I just love Him. There is no other words to use to describe it, I love horses because that is where God has gifted and called me and when I'm riding or working at the barn I see it as a form of worship. I desire to work at it, to give my all, to learn, to never give up because it's what God has called me to and it's just another way to experience intimacy with God and His love. I will never stop being in awe of His love.

How He loves :) Praise His name for that!!

As I head back to school a week from Thursday I just pray that God gives me the strength to keep my focus on Him, on growing in Him and on working hard to pursue dressage and continuing to train Zi.. including working out on a regular basis and staying fit enough to ride him with the precision that dressage requires. I just pray for that focus. And more than anything I pray that the schoolyear doesn't become about me.. as I compete in horse shows, judging contests and go to class, ride Zi, send out resumes for a job with a dressage trainer I pray that it does not become about me. That all of my desires remain rooted in the Lord and where He is calling me. That is my heart.

I just love how He loves :)

Pressing On

Today the verse Philippians 3:14 has just resignated in my heart.

I've been back in good ol' Aurora, IL for three days now and in that time I have just reflected my summer in San Diego and what God did and how He is continueing to work in my heart. I was thinking today how crazy it is that after my last year at Blackhawk I'll be 20 and trying to pursue training, dressage, horses and possibly being a working student for a big name trainer somewhere. I was thinking how I so desperately want a ministry reaching people in the horse industry and around the world and how is are all of those dots supposed to connect together!?

I think sometimes I really just need to be slapped upside the head... I praise God for His patience with me! God knows the plans He has for my life. I should be unashamed of dreaming big and chasing after those dreams with everything I have because He is the one who has placed those dreams of making a difference in the horse industry, of having a ministry, of serving Him, of training and riding horses and loving and reaching people in my heart. He has given me those dreams. Who am I to start worrying about what others may think of that? It doesn't matter. Only God's call for my life matters. That is what I cling to continously. So as I was reading my bible today Philippians 3:14 just echoed in my soul:

I press on towards the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

I press on, I dream, I live, I desire, to be with my Savior and I press on towards the dreams He has given me. I don't care what anyone else says... I'm listening to the only voice that matters :)

A heart's desire

I apologize for not keeping this updated the way I was intending before I left. Unfortunetly I didn't have internet access at the place I've been staying in San Diego. Well, after 5 weeks I am sitting in the San Diego airport waiting for my flight back to Chicago. These past weeks have gone by unimaginably quick and the Lord has done work in my life that I didn't expect... and a heart's desire has become even more ignited.

To start, Steffen and Shannon Peters' 60 stall facility is beyond gorgeous.. my kind of heaven on earth :) everything is state of the art yet horse friendly and people friendly. The people who board, train, and work there are genuine and inviting and loving. The goal of the facility is about becoming one day better every session and about making average riders and horses into something that is fantastic. The horses are incredible. The calibur of training and riding is inconvievably great. I spent everyday Mon-Fri waking up at 6am to go to the barn until 4pm .. my trainer had two horses at SP's barn (her up and coming Grand Prix horse and a lower level client's mare) so I would groom, handwalk, tack up, bathe, clip, clean tack ect. I also took care of the horses' feed everyday and supplements. I basically did whatever was needed for Nichole (my trainer) and the people at the barn. I also got to watch Steffen, Shannon and the other three trainers at the facility ride every morning. The first morning I as there I watched Steffen ride Weltino's Magic (his I1 horse) and Ravel. Needless to say it was amazing. I just love how Steffen and Shannon train.. it is so natural and makes so much sense. I think I've learned more about training and dressage in the last 5 weeks than I ever have! I can't wait to start working with Zi on everything I've learned :)

From the very first day I set foot in the barn I was overcome with temptations and desires. Temptations of making everything about me and what I wanted out of this and desires of success and the opportunity to ride, and train with these people. The desire and jealousy of wishing I could afford a fancy, flashy moving horse like other girls my age who rode at Steffen's barn. I felt myself succoming to these thoughts, desires and temptations and then about 2 days after I had gotten to san diego I had a phone conversation with my dear friend Elizabeth and I as telling her all of this and she said "Kayla I have never heard you sound like this. where is the passion? since when do you care about fame, ribbons or money? Why are you limiting God?" I listened absolutely stunned. She was right. God used her to give me a wake up call that I so desperately needed. That night I read John 11:4 When he heard this, Jesus said "this sickness will not end in death. No, it is for God's glory so that God's son may be glorified through it." It suddenly hit me that I had been called to San Diego and SP's barn this summer to only glorify God, work my butt off, give my best every single day even when I didn't feel like it, and love and serve those around me. My prayer going into the trip had been that it wouldn't become about me and I realized how difficult that was truly going to be.

Ever since I was little horses have been the one area of my life where I have been tempted to not put God first. This summer was so much more than just being around horses and learning from the best rider in the dressage industry. It was learning and choosing to keep God first and have my desires wrapped up in serving Him alone.

After that phone call with Elizabeth my focus changed. It was as if God has spoken through her and filled me with Himself and reminded me that the only reason I exist is to glorify Him. Every day I woke up and read scripture and made a minute by minute choice to put Him first NOT my desires. As the weeks wore on I experienced ups and downs.. encouragement, discouragement, fatigue, exhaustion, elation, homesickness. But about two weeks in to the trip I realized how much I loved what I was doing. I loved being around horses all day. I loved the people I was around. I loved San Diego. I just loved being able to be at a barn all day and work with horses. I loved the opportunity God had given me. It was as though God brought me back to the simplicity of a little girl's love for a horse. That was all it was about. Yes, I was still tempted to put my desires first but God molded and worked on my heart and I can truly say that I learned what it meant to consciously choose to put God first. He is enough. He is my life. I am so passionate about that.

I have missed home and am so glad to be with my family but I feel like these last 5 weeks I have learned to rely on the Lord in ways I never have before. He is all I have. He has sustained me. I have had thoughts recently of "where will things go from here? Lord I feel like you are calling me to a career in the dressage industry but where do I go after this year? Is my horse even good enough to be successful in this?" And the answer that I keep getting back is God saying "Kayla no you don't know everything.. you don't have the answers. But trust me anyway." That is what I am clinging to.

I do feel as though God has used these past 5 weeks to teach me how to be around horses 24/7 yet still put Him first and He has affirmed that this is the industry and ministry and call He has for my life. I don't know what that will look like a year from now... I don't know if my horse will make it to high levels of dressage. But this is what I do know.. what has become so infinitely clear this past month: God is bigger. He has a plan. He has given me a horse that is perfect for me because God gave him to me and I am so thankful for that and will work everyday to be one day better, my horse means the world to me... I trust in the Lord's plan. I have a heart's desire to serve Christ and be used by Him no matter where that takes me or what it will look like. Who knows, I could end up back permanently in San Diego, CA. But my heart's desire is first and foremost to seek after my Lord and become one day closer to Him all the time and the rest of my life will fall into place as I seek His plan. There is no room for doubt anymore.. for too long I have been living in fear and afraid to admit what I am passionate about and afraid to run after it. No more. Once again God has taught me another lesson in being fearless :) That is my heart's desire that has ignited into a burning fire this past month... to glorify God and serve Him and be used. I am alive with passion and ready to go give my best at Blackhawk this year. Because I am called to.

Psalm 37:4 Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart

Rainy days

Today is a rainy, dreary day and I love it.

I always love rainy days because it gives me an excuse to stay in the house armed with a journal and a pen and spend time talking with God and writing out my feelings. It's just awesome. There is nothing better than resting in the Lord's prescence. I've been realizing how important it is for me to spend daily time in the Word.. and not just "read it just to read it time" but reading the Word and seeking after the Lord and hanging out with Him. God just wants our heart and too often I find myself too busy or not taking the time to just hang out with Him. I mean honestly think about it, the creater of the universe wants to hang out with US!! How crazy is that!? I know that I am so undeserving. I am realizing more and more that my devotions need to be so much more about spending time with the Lord instead of just putting in my bible time for the day. I was thinking about it this way... God is everything.. He is my friend, father, lover and what makes me who I am.. it's a relationship. Every relationship must be invested in. I want to invest my all in growing in my relationship with God. I want to take that quiet time every day to acknowledge who He is and rest in that.

Psalm 46:10 Be still and know that I am GOD

On a different note, I had a pretty cool session with Zi today. It was too wet to ride so I decided to spend some time playing with him. He has been wanting to start cantering or go fast everytime I ask him for the circling game. He'll rush off and race around me but everytime I'd ask him to yield his hindquarters away from me he would stop and prick his ears and get so excited. For some reason the past two days it just hasn't clicked as to why this new behavior has started.. he's normally such an introverted horse that I was surprised at this outward show of extrovert. It hit me like a brick today. He's playing with me. I felt like I'd just been hit over the head with a 2x4.. he just wants to play and so I started making things more interesting and letting him canter off during the circle and he loved it. For the first time this horse actually let me see his play drive that he has tried for so long to keep hidden. He is a very complex horse that has many layers to his personality and is so sensitive.. and the way he tries to play is almost "awkward" or "different" in comparison to the LBE Magi. I'm learning more and more how to have the feel and precision to play with a horse like Zi and today it came true on the ground and it's all carrying over under saddle. I love it!

...rainy days are my favorite :)

Psalm 46

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Sweet, Beautiful, Surrender

I apologize for not updating this for so long. To say things have been busy is an understatement.. but I need to update this. I must write about how God has and is working, how He has grown me and changed me and the doors he has opened have been incredible and humbled me.

This past school year has been difficult, heartbreaking, amazing, revealing, and full of new beginnings and moving on from the past. At the start of the year I went to Blackhawk and really struggled with the environment there.. I felt alone like no one else respected or shared my faith and I got lost in being scared and shriveled into a shell of fear. I could not be confident. It showed. I did not improve as much with Zi.. my horse judging seemed to be held back because I couldn't confidently mark a card and more than that I felt stagnant in my relationship with God. I remember calling my parents.. my brother and my closest friends and pouring out feelings of lonliness, frustration and confusion. How could God be asking me to stay somewhere where I was all alone? I wasn't improving with horses.. I felt like a failure and fear had taken over every part of me.

Over Christmas break I thrived being surrounded and fellowshipping with people who shared my passion for the Lord. As break drew to an end I really struggled with not wanting to return to school. I didn't want to go back to that feeling of discouragement and lonliness and the feeling of not being close to my Lord. I wanted what was comfortable and safe. Then it was as if God just woke me up and said "Kayla, listen to me. Trust me. I am with you and that is all that matters." I had been reading through Hebrews and as I read Hebrews 11 a chapter that talks in depth about faith, God spoke to my heart. Hebrews 11:1 Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance in what we do not see. It hit me like a brick that I had only been thinking about me, I needed to walk by faith. God had called me to Blackhawk but not for the reasons I had originally thought.

I returned to school second semester with an entirely new perspective. My circumstances were not changing. However, God has opened my eyes to the fact that I am at Blackhawk to be used by Him, to be a light and to let Him grow and stretch and refine me in ways that I had never imagined possible. He called me to Blackhawk to be different and grow closer to Him. I learned to be alone and to find comfort in that because God is enough. He is my everything and even if I didn't feel it, He is always with me. That changed everything.. because of Him I can let go of my fear and when there is less of me He is able to work in ways that make me in awe of who He is. I choose to walk by faith and when I do my perspective changes. My heart is burdened for those who live their life in sin... I want to plant eternal seeds and live my life for Christ so others can see who He is. This school year I have learned what it means to live in the world but not be of it. I have learned once again how to be fearless and have reached a place of complete surrender. My life is God's. I relenquish control. He is everything to me and has filled up my heart and I have fallen so much more deeply in love with Him. I never want to be stagnant in my relationship with Him.. I always want to want to be wanting to be closer my Lord. That is my prayer and heart especially as I return to school in the fall.

God has opened many doors for me this semester... It has always been my prayer that if the horse industry is where He wants me that it would be affirmed and that He would give me a ministry. I do not want this to become about me. I pray that if it does He would take it away. This summer... God has given me an opportunity that I never expected, my trainer Nichole is going to San Diego, CA to train and work with Steffen Peters one of the most decorated dressage riders right now. At first, I didn't think that I would be able to intern or work with Nichole over the summer like I had originally planned. I had no idea what to do, I was upset.. so thrilled for her opportunity but unsure how my summer would go. I sought after God's plan and committed Jeremiah 29:11 to my heart and waited for what He had in store. A couple weeks after learning of Nichole's plans to go to CA she called me and asked me a question I'll never forget, "do you want to come with me?"

Since then.. God has worked out every detail and plainly showed me that this is what He has in store this summer. I will be going with Nichole to work with and learn from Steffen Peters in San Diego, I leave in two weeks. I am so excited, humbled, scared, nervous, and giddy. Yes, there are doubts and uncertainties that threaten to overtake my mind but God is bigger. I am choosing to walk by faith and pursue the path He has laid before me. There is no room for fear. I want to go and do my best for Him because that is what I am called to do. This is a dream come true and I am so thankful for what He is doing. I just want to go and give my best, this is a chance of a lifetime to learn from one of the most elite riders in the world right now. I know that this is only of God and who am I to allow fear to overtake me? I choose to let go of fear, there is no room for doubt. I no longer want to give in to the "what if I'm not good enough?" because I want to be confident in who I am in Christ and allow Him to give me the strength to pursue this opportunity. If God is for us, who can be against us?

Zi will be staying at home for the five weeks I am gone, hopefully a friend will be riding him for me to keep him in shape. He has improved dramatically.. in some ways he isn't even the same horse I bought a year ago. His muscle pattern has changed and his personality is more pronounced. He is a very emotional horse (typical right brain introvert/extrovert) but is so sensitive and rewarding to work with because when I get it right he tries so hard. Under saddle, he carries himself in a rounded dressage frame and is able to stay light in my hands. Hopefully, there are some big things in store for him :)

These past several months God has grown, matured and stretched me. I have come to a place of surrender... sweet, beautiful surrender that allows for more intimacy with Christ. I am thankful for the hardships and trials of the past months because brokenness brings us to our knees and to a state of surrendrance. I love that. If my trials bring me closer to Christ, then I am thankful for that. I am so excited to see how He continues to grow me in the upcoming months. I am not called to be comfortable.. as Francis Chan would say, we are called to trust God so completely that we are unafraid to put ourselves in situations where we will be in trouble if He doesn't come through. That is the kind of faith I am striving for and will always be seeking.

Jeremiah 29:11

Hebrews 11:1

2 Corinthians 5:7